My daughter has soft enamel. She has to get extensive work done to her teeth fairly soon. I was taking care of her teeth the best I knew how asking with bogus advice from two previous dentists... Both of whom steered me very wrong so the problems in her mouth only got worse over the course of a year. It's all my fault, though. And now I feel like the wrist parent ever because my four year old will have to be put to sleep so they can do all the work... Correcting what her previous two dentists up as well as things I guess I missed. It's all my fault and I don't even want to exist anymore because now it's causing my baby so much pain.
So I was contemplating how I would finish out this year blog-wise. The funny part...I don't have much to say. This year was full of rollercoastering and moving. I am tired. The close of this year is only another day, really. Midnight hits, no magic happens to make the new year better. There are many factors that determine the trajectory of your new year. Only two constants are you and God. I know that my faith in Him and His will for my life is the one thing that will truly make the difference for me. What about you?
I have felt disillusioned with Mindsay since its return. I have a lot to say, but am not sure this is the medium where
I want to expound.
I wish we could be hired as pastors already.
Or have a church built already.
For so many reasons.
I just keep praying for miracles…. miracles… miracles…
The cousin we were praying for… the 13 year old boy with a promising future… Julien… passed this morning
Then I found out the one I considered my little brother, my bro in the faith, my ministry buddy, music friend…Junito… also passed.
Just a few weeks ago our family buried our 16 year old cousin who died from a freak heart infection… Cassandra.
Life is just never going to be the same after all the losses we have had this year. These are only a few….
And all I can do is fervently pray that my house not be touched...that the angel of death passes by my home like there's lamb's blood on the doorposts in Egypt.
God knows just who and what and where
believing for miracles
just in time
So I think I have done enough cleaning to fake that I am a good housekeeper before the in-laws show up. I hate cleaning. I hate housekeeping. All I really want to do is chill with my kids. Is that so much to ask? I don't know whether they are staying here or staying elsewhere and visiting us here in the house. Either way, my anxiety is through the roof. It's not necessarily because it's them… it's more because I have anxiety about people being in my house, snooping through my life. Like, I keep my bedroom door locked tight when anyone INCLUDING MY OWN MOTHER AND SISTERS comes to my house. I don't want anyone invading my personal sanctuary. I have to have one space in the house where I feel like no one can touch me or my stuff. Do they go through my things? No. Do I care? Apparently not. My nervous system screams out warnings the whole time. I am amped right now and wishing that this moment would pass. I need them to just get here and get it over with already. The anticipation is enough to make me go full on manic.
Three friends passed away in the last week.
One of my little cousins who is only 14 is clinging to life right now in the hospital after suffering from an aneurysm in the brain.
I can't watch enough, do enough, read enough mind numbing drivel to get me through this.
Can't cry too much because my own beautiful children will see how distraught I am and it will affect them in a negative way.
My poor son who is only a year younger than Julien is drowning his brain in video games and talking on the headset to people far away.
My dear daughter won't let me out of her sight for more than 2 minutes.
I am clinging…. I was already deep in depression when I got this last news about our sweet cousin this morning. My aunt … I can't even begin to fathom what she is going through. She lost a baby to still birth before she was able to have this miracle child. Now this. These are the times when I look up the heavens and declare to God that I do not understand, but thank Him for it not being my own child...as selfish as that sounds. Am I terrible for being thankful? Grateful? I have lost 5 children to miscarriage, but nothing like this. I don't even want to try and feel what she and her husband are going through right now. I don't. …. SMH… This kid is so sweet, loving, caring… and I just can't….
That moment when you have been up thinking about things for two hours and then your husband gets up….and you spew it all on him as soon as he comes into the living room even though he can’t even see straight yet.
Sorry dude. I have had too long inside my own head.