I wish we could be hired as pastors already.
Or have a church built already.
For so many reasons.
I just keep praying for miracles…. miracles… miracles…
The cousin we were praying for… the 13 year old boy with a promising future… Julien… passed this morning
Then I found out the one I considered my little brother, my bro in the faith, my ministry buddy, music friend…Junito… also passed.
Just a few weeks ago our family buried our 16 year old cousin who died from a freak heart infection… Cassandra.
Life is just never going to be the same after all the losses we have had this year. These are only a few….
And all I can do is fervently pray that my house not be touched...that the angel of death passes by my home like there's lamb's blood on the doorposts in Egypt.
God knows just who and what and where
believing for miracles
just in time
So I think I have done enough cleaning to fake that I am a good housekeeper before the in-laws show up. I hate cleaning. I hate housekeeping. All I really want to do is chill with my kids. Is that so much to ask? I don't know whether they are staying here or staying elsewhere and visiting us here in the house. Either way, my anxiety is through the roof. It's not necessarily because it's them… it's more because I have anxiety about people being in my house, snooping through my life. Like, I keep my bedroom door locked tight when anyone INCLUDING MY OWN MOTHER AND SISTERS comes to my house. I don't want anyone invading my personal sanctuary. I have to have one space in the house where I feel like no one can touch me or my stuff. Do they go through my things? No. Do I care? Apparently not. My nervous system screams out warnings the whole time. I am amped right now and wishing that this moment would pass. I need them to just get here and get it over with already. The anticipation is enough to make me go full on manic.
Three friends passed away in the last week.
One of my little cousins who is only 14 is clinging to life right now in the hospital after suffering from an aneurysm in the brain.
I can't watch enough, do enough, read enough mind numbing drivel to get me through this.
Can't cry too much because my own beautiful children will see how distraught I am and it will affect them in a negative way.
My poor son who is only a year younger than Julien is drowning his brain in video games and talking on the headset to people far away.
My dear daughter won't let me out of her sight for more than 2 minutes.
I am clinging…. I was already deep in depression when I got this last news about our sweet cousin this morning. My aunt … I can't even begin to fathom what she is going through. She lost a baby to still birth before she was able to have this miracle child. Now this. These are the times when I look up the heavens and declare to God that I do not understand, but thank Him for it not being my own child...as selfish as that sounds. Am I terrible for being thankful? Grateful? I have lost 5 children to miscarriage, but nothing like this. I don't even want to try and feel what she and her husband are going through right now. I don't. …. SMH… This kid is so sweet, loving, caring… and I just can't….
That moment when you have been up thinking about things for two hours and then your husband gets up….and you spew it all on him as soon as he comes into the living room even though he can’t even see straight yet.
Sorry dude. I have had too long inside my own head.
I talked my way into a job at a new local business today. I am now their PR and social media manager part time. I do the day shift!!! I cannot believe it. I have a ton of ideas on how to expand the business and maximize revenue. So stoked. I haven’t worked from home for so long. I was feeling all kinds of depressed and rejected. I applied for many things, but they didn’t pan out. I tried to revive my own online business to no avail. This is perfect for me in every way. I love the internet, love social media marketing. I am going to have to start writing down the ideas I have to make this thing great because they are just pouring through my head right now. EXCITEDDDDD.
So we have been struggling a bit financially since there was a lull in business at my husband's job…. and being that it was his first year at the job, he believed his superior when he said that the lull wouldn't be that bad. That we wouldn't end up in financial crisis.
CROCK OF LIES
We now have been living less than paycheck to paycheck for 3 months. We have been scraping by BARELY all due to a big bald faced LIE. This means that I have been doing my best to scrape by with 30 bucks for groceries for 2 weeks at a time with 2 kids and a husband to feed. He needs stuff for his lunch. He is extra hungry when he gets home after a 12 hour day. The kids are in and out of growth spurts...one being a teenage boy. *helloooo how much do they eat? stomach to the toes*.
We barely made rent this month after scraping and scrounging for change and having to ask the church for help
my TIRE on my van gets a shard of rock stuck in it… and i mean a SHARD like… how does that even happen? Finally were breathing okay because rent was covered and now we have to get the same amount of money that we were short the rent to replace my tire! This means that I now have to grovel at the feet of my friends to ask for money to help us, since we are at the end of our rope and I NEED my van back from the repair place. I am not good at asking for financial help from people. Emotional is one thing...they only have to invest time and patience. This is another story. I was already battling a bout of depression and now all these things, unexpected financial stresses. I am like GOD PLEASE be done with letting things roll our way. PLEASE….Teetering here.
*sigh* so God got jokes and I have to suck it up, not freak out, and do what I gotta do.
Nice to see you again so soon after you departed….
Your buddy Hypo Mania just left the building not too long ago… she came in when you left the last time… I hope not to see her again for a while, although your presence is unnecessary as well. It would be nice if you two just made up and took a vacation together instead of raining on my parade every time you have an inkling. I wish that you would understand that sunny days are for smiling… not being bogged down in your treachery. I would much rather be playing outside with my kids instead of loathing every minute that I am not alone while loathing every minute I am lonely. What a paradox. God forbid it gets cloudy and rains while you are here. I might as well not even wake up for the day. I can't stand it when you are constantly banging your head against my door while I am trying to forget you exist at all. It's not like I invite you in. Hypo Mania is so angry and aggressive that she is no fun to be around either. What a joy it is when you two decide to fight it out elsewhere while I lay on my hammock in a plateau of peaceful happiness...even if it doesn’t happen all that often. Those moments are the ones I treasure most. I squeeze every last drop from them that I can get. So Depression, please don't get comfortable. Don’t bring in your bags and keep the cab driver on standby. I expect you will be gone soon… because if you don't go of your own volition, my foot is going to get to kickin’.
Bi/pan-phobia is a real bitch.
I Shat Where I Ate...