why does my father have to be so hard on my son? why does he seem to think that my son will grow up to be a criminal? what is it with him? he made me so angry earlier accusing me of not wanting him or anyone to discipline my son. i felt like telling him "if that were true we sure as heck wouldnt ever come here!"

the only reason i still frequent my mother's house is because my mother and sisters are still there. i can get a break from my personal hell and go to a new one. 

we cant get our own apartment until we find one with 2 bedrooms for a reasonable price and low downpayment.  we have to get 2 bedrooms cuz it's the law in jersey when you have another person living with you who is not your husband * i.e. my son *   it is so frustrating to have to go day in and day out under the feet of noisy people... so annoying.... every day i get awakened at 2 a.m. , 6 a.m. , and 8 a.m. ...the first 2 times are because of the racket being made all over my head. the last time is just because my eyes decide to pop open and stay open.

GOD I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!

and i refuse, absolutely refuse, to go back from where we came. that's worse than here by about ten times infinity.

i just wanted to ball up and cry my eyes out. it's not my fault my son acts the way he does...i can honestly say that. it's not my fault that he has an attitude. think about it ...how would YOU act if you didn't have your own room with your own tv and your own toys...a solace away from everyone and everything....how would YOU feel if you couldn't go to the bathroom when you wanted because someone is always in the bathroom or if you had no set routine because your life revolved around people who weren't even part of your family??? i bet you would be pretty upset and have a tantrum, too...especially if you are only 2.5 yrs old and cant express your anger any other way.

God knows i'm about to go insane just from getting on my son's nerves...let alone all the other things in my life getting on my nerves. people dying left and right... wishing that somehow we could find our way out of this hole under someone else's house.... praying for some kind of relief and time to heal from all my grief...

GOD HELP ME!!! HELP US!!!

I feel like I'm dying...like I'm gonna end up in the crazy house soon if i dont get some semblance of order in my house. i cant even clean this hole...there is too much stuff and not enough crevices to stick it all in. im totally beyond my wits. i cant cook without rushing through to get out of other people's way...cant do my laundry without being rushed along...cant go the bathroom in peace...keep getting bladder infections because i have to dance around for hours waiting for the bathroom...cant even sleep in peace because of hyenas having parties over top my head at various times of the morning and night...

why did i say to come here? because the other place was just as bad...nay WORSE than here... either way i should have never let myself be talked out of my own apartment...where i had my own stuff...without having another apartment or house that was MY own to go to...what an idiot am i ? section 8 isnt taking any new applications . Thanx so called Christian Pres. George ....thanx a lot for screwing me and my family over. that was great... i cant imagine how many other people would like to express their thanx to you right now for that one reason...

If only I could find my way out of this muck! what am i supposed to do now??? I have no way out... I cant get a job cuz that will mess us up in the long run. I cant do anything but pray and i have been praying...fervently , incessantly.... GOD I NEED YOU NOW!!!! please rapture or apartment or money for the apartment....something!!! i cant keep living like this... i know we aren't blameless nor anywhere near perfect. i know that we are probably not doing anything right in your sight....but please please give us another chance!! please get us out of here and we promise promise promise to do better. we promise that we will keep things clean and worship you no matter what... we promise that our son will be raised better. we promise!!!!!!

**** i am down on my knees begging you LORD....JEHOVAH JIREH please get us into a place of our own ****